the past week, very bittersweet...
exposing my brothers' friends to the shitpile we call Deltona.
they just really do appreciate the tight bonds and kismet-feel
we all generate towards and for eachother.
Sucks to see'em go..
good things must always come to an end, I guess..

Ive been in a complete social-coma since theyve been here.
Im no teen anymore..cant go drinkin' like Ill smash faces...

...hi...
one love, yeah?...
Ill write something more entrusive later...
-peace-

essentially, lost in the tall trees..
surviving only on wit and me own characteristic..
No more...
no more will I aimlessly walk in the shadows,
deep and silent...
Now I have a new song to sing..
one that reverberated in my head not too long ago.
I feel whole,
centered and very at one with this..
the solid thats been re-handed back to me.
Failed attempts of knocking me off my guard;
away from mu center....

...The beat goes on....as do I....with music in hand...

...-?-...

I dont know how you did it, but...

this is all too shocking.
completely offkey, but totally
not surprising.

my pockets are full of space,
as is my time....
honestly, I thought my trip would've been a stepping stone or
at least a mental shove towards something amazing.
but, alas, here I sit...
somewhat confused,
utterly frustrated.
I am actually a bit frightened for the life-wheel to get back on track.
that means this unwanted vacation will cease,
and my time to get off will come crashing back.
...
hi..

I think Ive been making some foolish decisions lately.
wanting and needing are close to similarity, but on totally different spectrums.
..
I miss affection at times...and...thinking that backtracking will fix it is just a ruse.
Deltona is a life-vampire, hands down.
no motivation whatsoever.....
I need to either leave Volusia or relocate state-wise.
--------------
Im not done...
I have so much to say, but the words cower.
far back enough that it plagues my judgment.
---------
Progress must be a joke of some sort.
...*end*....

....cut short...
these are my letters of apprehension;

I stayed up last night...waiting.
waiting for this some sort of sanctity.
old crow handed me the forms of reprisal.
I stared down at that paper...
that paper that excused every sorry,cold
feeling of shame...
so long that swaying back and forth before
my final fall started seeming like my only
means of transportation....
back to insanity,
going forward to this never comforting spinning.
you know that spinning...the one you cause,
everytime.

I only wish I didnt feel like my frail attempts of
conversation didnt seem so shallow or bitter..
as if to say I have no clue what Im talking about.
to FEEL like my smiles are looking forced, but
they arent.
its all nervousness, hence the whiskey.
when that drunken beast comes forth and puts me into
second gear, heaven only knows what I wouldnt do..
..what stupidity will escape from my lips...
.but I wouldnt fret..I know the routine....
not too long after, Ill be asleep...

what the hell is this all about?
I cant force a call unless I get intoxicated..
but even after so, I trip over my words....
...and now that stupid feeling..
you know the one...
now it settles in..and puts me to rest...

3 days doesnt really do justice for 3 weeks of staying drunk. Definitely time to reflect, possibly regret a few things, and utterly say,"fuck the small shit..life goes on."
I had a very much needed escape, and Im glad that I did.
Its all about the structuring and actually striving to better my life, in a whole.

I honestly dont know if I pissed anyone off over the weekend. Knowing me, I possibly did. If not, thats even better.

My batteries are fucking charged now, though.. Thats for sure.
Bring it, life....
lets rock some shit

washed out traces of an everending nightfall
she grabs for the skin surrounding my chestbone again and
again.
the saddened part is in me; allowing this desperation eat away at someones perserverence..
enough to bring this summoned beast of fury thirst for my innards and the entrails surrounding my truest and deepest inside:literally.
crossed fingers and a strong shove aside only elongates the darkened future Ill soon come into contact with.
the death of being eaten alive, screaming and struggling for a way out, only to be fornicated in a position I wont be able to escape.

these bludgeoned eyes only show my failed attempts of freedom.

my bloodstained hands wont hold me up for much longer.
giving in and signing out seems to be my only means of peace